Short Story: If I Woulda Known

If I Woulda Known
by Gary Anderson

As I sat down on the loveseat, I felt extremely nervous. I did not want to be here at all, right now, however I knew I couldn't leave.

"If I had known you would been here..." I began.

She waved me off. "It's no problem at all. I hardly ever have guests here. Not since Lesa was taken from me." Her voice drifted off, as if the mention of her daughter's name had caused her mind to wander.

"Lesa..that was your daughter?" I volunteered, knowing that it was.

"Yes," she said, snapping out of it. Her eyes blinked a few times and she looked over at me and smiled. "She would have been twenty four today. It's amazing how you tend to forget birthdays when you have them there in your grasp, but once they are taken from you...you never forget them. It's almost a sadist type of thing where we're cursed to never forget. You know what I mean?"

I nodded my head. "More than I care to remember." We were silent, as we both tried to ignore the unintentional pun.

"Well, what can I do for you, Mr. Lorber? I mean, now that I am actually here." she chuckled a bit, and I tried to return the laugh, but it came out fake. Which it was.

"I um...this is probably a bad time, and all..I should -- " I stood up, but she stood up and held her arms out.

"Please don't go. I don't get many people here, as I said. I mean, Lesa used to have boyfriends and her little girlfriends come over all the time. It was never a dull moment here. Now...it's just me. And I can't see, since the glaucoma took my sight away. You see what I mean? I have nothing. The war took my Herbert, and now it's just me."

I ran my fingers through my hair and cursed myself silently.

"Sure, I'll stay."

"Oh thank you. God bless you, Mr. Lorber."

I sat back down and she did the same. We both sat there in an awkward silence.

"You were gonna say something?" she inquired.

"Oh. I um. I kinda forgot. I feel dumb for that, but I had what I was gonna ask you all in my head and then it just flew away."

"You know," she said, "I'm the same doggone way. I will sit there and be thinking, "I have to call my sister in Kalamazoo, and then a couple seconds later, I'll be wondering who I had to call. Maybe it's Old Timers setting in, who knows?"

"Who knows, indeed?" I offered, laughing in my fake tone that I knew she could see right through.

"So," I said, "It's just you now that...It's just you?"

"Yes. I have a few neighbors that come over and help me out. I think it's a pity thing, but I find that I don't really feel guilty because they never really were there for me before. They never would have helped me, but now they feel obligated. So screw them, I say." She laughed nervously and covered her mouth almost as soon as the words escaped her lips.

"Oh Jesus forgive me for that."

"I'm sure He does, ma'am."

"Thank you. You're such a nice man. But, to answer your question, yes it's just me. It's going on a year now, you might have heard of what happened. Last Spring Break Leza and some friends were driving down to Daytona and this car just came out of nowhere and slammed into her. Killed her and her friends. They never found the people who did it. Probably a woman driver. We can't drive worth a damn, I'm afraid."

I leaned back in surprise that she would say such a thing.

"They say that it was a little blue hatchback that hit them. There was some blue paint on the car that Leza was driving, and supposedly there was a witness but he was drunk, so who knows?"

"I'm sorry for your loss." I said. I couldn't think of anything else TO say. I mean, what do you tell a woman who lost her daughter, and her only real source of company?

"Look, I ..I have to go. I was actually coming over just to introduce myself. I'm new in the neighborhood and ..well, I just wanted to say hello to my neighbors."

"Oh well Mr. Lorber, you'll have to come back sometime."

"I'm sure I will, ma'am. I have a feeling I will."

I stood up and gave her a hug, and then made a beeline for the door. I opened it and was nearly out the door when I heard her voice. "It's okay you know?"

I paused on the porch, my hand still holding the door as it was swinging shut.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, it's okay. Mr. Lorber...whatever. I just want you to know it's okay."

I closed my eyes and tried to fight the tears. I slipped my tongue out and wet my lips. "I--I -- "

"I said it's okay."

I couldn't stop the flow of tears and I let go of the door and ran down the sidewalk and got into my car. I sat in the driveway and just sobbed for about ten minutes. God, what had I done? Oh what had I done?

I wiped my eyes and looked in the mirror. My face was puffy and my eyes were red. I looked on the seat beside me and noticed I had left my Alcoholics Anonymous book open to steps eight and nine. With my blurred vision I could make out the word "Amends".

I turned the key and started the engine, and drove off in my blue hatchback.